Somebody told me
There’d be trouble at home
‘Cause we never talk a lot
When we spend time alone…

Lyrics from the Babyface hit single “Whip appeal”, simply debunking the relationship advice – “talk it out” – we’ve all been sold over the years as the sure way to work things out with our partners.

Relationship advice

Where exactly should we lay the blame – motivational speakers or relationship coaches? Or both. The one problem with both sets of people is their typical lack of deep understanding or research. So usually, they say what sounds good, and even feels good to hear. At least initially. And when it comes to relationships, we’ve all heard their “words of wisdom” many times over – communication is key, love conquers all, and couples who don’t fight aren’t in love.

But what if these tin nuggets relationship advice are actually doing more harm than good? Well, renowned therapist Esther Perel and this article’s really smart person of interest, recently called out the “talk it out” approach as potentially damaging. “The myth that all problems can be resolved through communication is a destructive myth,” she says. But communication isn’t the only relationship mantra that needs reexamination.

Never go to bed angry

Go to bed angry if you must. Hopefully, tempers would have cooled by morning and you can resume discussions having “slept on it” separately or together. According to our psychologist of the day, “never go to bed angry” can inadvertently promote forced resolutions, which can lead to improperly or even totally unresolved tensions. Sometimes, taking a break, walking away, and regaining perspective is much healthier than pushing for immediate resolution.

In any relationship, it’s okay to give each other space to reflect and regroup. Afterall, true intimacy doesn’t come from endless talking, but from understanding when silence and distance are needed. In other words, when boundaries and sensibilities are understood and respected.

The “love conquers all” fallacy

Song after song after song, go on and on about love conquering all. All we need is love they tell us. But as any right thinking adult must have realized by the age of 25, love alone most definitely cannot fix many underlying issues like compatibility, trust, or emotional intelligence. In fact, ignoring these fundamental problems can and usually lead to frustrations and burnout. In no time, love and it’s not-too-distant cousin, lust, are out the door leaving a trail of broken promises and deep seated resentment.

The “couples who don’t fight aren’t in love” misconception

Conflict is inevitable, but the notion that healthy couples must constantly argue, or even argue at all, is misguided. Research shows that couples who avoid conflict altogether may actually have stronger relationships. It’s not about avoiding disagreements, but about resolving them constructively. So, relationship advice should read “Learn to fight clean”, with the understanding that you will be with this person tomorrow and the day after and so on. So speak with kindness, and most of all, speak with respect for them and their opinions.

The “soulmate” myth

Yes, you get on like a house on fire. Like white on rice even. You finish each other’s sentences, you know what your partner is going to say, even before they think it. That’s all very well, but the idea that there’s one perfect person out there for us can lead to unrealistic expectations and disappointment. Meaningful relationships must involve growth, compromise, and evolution – it’s not a fairy tale. Soulmates are made, not born. And the making can be hard work. But it’s so worth it in the end.

The “50/50” divide

Yes, I’m afraid Teddy Pendergrass was wrong. Great crooner he may have been, but he certainly was no relationship expert. Talking about a 50-50 love instead of a 60-40 or 70-30 was the exact opposite of what TP should have been singing about. And that’s because a 50/50 split totally ignores the ebbs and flows of life. Partners may contribute differently at various times, and that’s okay. Be there for your partner when you’re needed. And it may well be a 99-1 split for a season! So focus on mutual support, not equal division.

Rethinking Relationship Advice

So, what can we do instead? Regulate your emotions; this is key. Vital in fact. You want to keep proper perspectives on issues. Contextualize things so you don’t overreact. Prioritize mutual respect, trust, and empathy. Cultivate a growth mindset and grow together. This also means having the ability and willingness to be vulnerable with each other. Seek outside help when needed – older trusted friends and family, professional therapists (trained psychologists preferably).

By debunking these myths, expectations are better managed, leaving room for more realistic relationships. Let’s try to move beyond catchy, simplistic slogans and focus on the complexities of meaningful human connections. It’s serious business, but not only is it worth it in the end, it can be jolly good fun as well.