Healthy relationships thrive in environments of emotional safety. This doesn’t mean an absence of conflict but rather the ability to handle stress and life’s challenges constructively, when they do show up. And show up they absolutely must! Yet somehow, too many couples believe that the existence of conflict spells doom for the relationship. In fact, the issue is not the presence of a conflict, it’s how the conflict is managed. That’s what truly matters. One trait of the famous 5 personality traits – extraversion (also often spelled extroversion), agreeableness, openness, conscientiousness, and neuroticism – that undermines a relationship more than the others is neuroticism. Neuroticism is marked by emotional instability and high reactivity. According to studies carried out by really smart people, neurotic partners often perceive neutral events negatively, and then escalate conflicts unnecessarily. They typically blow things out of all proportion and very quickly swing from one end of the emotional spectrum to the other.
Why Neuroticism Harms Relationships
1. Negative Bias Intensifies Conflicts:
Ok, so what exactly is negative bias? Negative bias, also known as negativity effect, is a cognitive bias that refers to our tendency to focus more on negative experiences than on positive or neutral ones. This means we are more likely to notice, remember, and be influenced by negative stimuli compared to positive information of equal intensity. Put simply, sweating the small stuff, to the point where small issues can lead to major disagreements.
Sweating the small stuff is no small matter. It kills trust in an otherwise healthy relationship. Things that can and probably should be ignored or treated with humor suddenly turn toxic, and a perfectly good evening is soured beyond repair. If left unresolved, a little non-issue can be the death of a healthy relationship. How many times have we heard things like “Oh, he squeezes the toothpaste from the middle”? Small stuff, yet…
2. Emotional Reactivity Hinders Intimacy:
And this is the really bad part – heightened reactions make it hard to feel valued and understood, driving emotional distance between partners. The phrase “better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome woman” perfectly conveys the idea that peaceful solitude is preferable to a stressful living situation with someone who is contentious or argumentative. Lets be clear – while the good book may have referenced women specifically, the same argument applies to difficult men as well. The last thing on a person’s mind is intimacy if it means having to endure a difficult partner. Your peace of mind is suddenly paramount and not worth all the intimacy in the world. And this is the real shame about living with an emotionally unstable person. Their actions and reactions are fleeting and unpredictable, forcing you further and further away from any close dealings with them. People in such situations will avoid any form of intimacy or engagement, and may start to look outside for succor.
Conversely, traits like conscientiousness – organization, reliability, and impulse control—promote healthy relationships, and more stable connections. Couples who strive for emotional regulation and awareness can transform conflict into growth, preserving intimacy and trust.
Bottomline, seek to understand your potential partner. An emotionally unstable person is not cute. Don’t make excuses for them. If you can’t cope, leave. And if you must stay, bring it up and seek help for them. But most neurotics don’t think they’re neurotic and may take offense if you call them out! Love is all very well, but peace usually trumps love if the objective is a healthy relationship.
