Cheating partners explained scientifically: it’s not their fault

cheating partners and emophilia

Cheating partners explained scientifically: it’s not their fault

We’ve all been there directly or otherwise – cheating partners, rumors of infidelity, and disloyalty. The philandering boyfriend or the two-timing girlfriend. And we all love the gossip about promiscuity. Nothing titillates quite like the sordid details of an affair made public. And then the blame game follows. My personal favorite has to be “You made me do it”.

What is Emophilia?

But what if promiscuity isn’t simply a lack of discipline, or a lack of respect and affection for a partner? What if rather like smoking or a general obsessive tendency, some people have a natural proclivity for multiple partners. Now, before we start with the eye rolling, psychologists in Norway have been able to isolate a psychological trait known as emophilia. Interestingly, their study also found that emophilia (the tendency to fall in love easily) appears to be a distinct psychological characteristic, with only weak associations between emophilia and other personality traits like neuroticism, Machiavellianism, and narcissism. But what exactly is emophilia? Well, it’s a psychological trait characterized by an intense desire for romantic love, often accompanied by an excessive need for validation and attention from different partners. People with emophilia generally tend to be passionate and very intense in their relationships. They are also prone to obsessive and impulsive behavior.

 The Link to Infidelity

The last 2 behavior patterns – obsessive and impulsive behavior – are probably the most significant determinants of emophilia. Compulsive behavior is incredibly difficult to manage. It’s the act first, think later, regret after construct which plagues many typically neurotic people. The results from the Norwegian study showed a clear connection between individuals who scored higher on the Emotional Promiscuity Scale, EPS, had had more romantic relationships and reported more instances of infidelity. Their conclusion, individuals with emophilia are more likely to engage in promiscuous behavior, while their intense desire for romantic love can lead to them prioritizing short-term pleasures over long-term commitment.

The Psychology Behind Emophilia

So, what drives emophilia? Beneath it all is our old friend, self-esteem. The bane of our psychological wellbeing in many regards. And research suggests that emophilia is rooted in a strong need for constant validation and attachment. What our valiant Norwegian researchers found, using the EPS tool, used to measure how easily and frequently someone falls in love, was that people who displayed strong signs of emophilia often had insecure attachment styles. This then led them to seek constant reassurance from their partners. And when this was either not available, or considered inadequate, they simply turned outside in search of their “fix”. Let’s be clear – emophilia has nothing to do with “runs”, i.e., sex for money and or material things. Materialism has a quite different set of factors, some of which do overlap with emophilia, but ultimately, both concepts are different. 

The Consequences of Emophilia

Now we have established that emophilia is indeed a thing, can we look at infidelity and our cheating partners from a more sympathetic perspective? What it means in fact, is that in many instances, cheaters and philanders are actually the victims! They are no different from the habitual smokers and drug addicts. OK, that’s not likely to wash anywhere. No one is going to accept that they were cheated on because of a psychological defect, and should therefore show compassion to the erring partner. Instead, let us identify the signs of emophilia and see how best to either help a victim partner, or indeed recognize the traits in ourselves, and do the needful:
  • Obsessive thinking and behavior
  • Compulsive seeking of validation and attention
  • Infidelity and relationship instability
  • Emotional distress and anxiety
If you or your partner identify with these behaviors, which are suggestive of emophilia, then it’s best to address them quickly, and not either pretend they don’t exist, or that you can control them. Emophilia is not quite the same as sex addiction, or for that matter, love addiction. These are obsessive behaviors as well, and should be treated differently (more on these in another article).

To stay or not to stay?

By recognizing the underlying drivers of emophilia and seeking support from mental health professionals, you can develop healthier attachment styles and more fulfilling relationships.
However, underlying attachment styles can be difficult to change or contend with when not aligned. You must ask yourself, do you want to stay with this person or not? Do you have the mental and emotional strength required to help an emophilia sufferer through treatment and the ups and downs sure to follow? 

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