Introduction to detachment: So he’s no longer into you. We’re moving in different directions she says. I need to discover myself. You know, it’s not just the right time. I’m not ready yet. And arguably the worst breakup excuse – “it’s not you, it’s me”. Problem is, in many such instances, the separating partner moves on quickly and starts a new relationship almost as soon as it ends with you. So in fact, it was you, not him. Or her. When breakups like this happen without warning signs of any kind, it can be difficult to comprehend and come to terms with.

Of course, if you’ve been secretly praying that your partner could only read your mind and see that you’re no longer interested yourself, then this is a blessing. And many people, too sensitive to instigate a break up, will alter their behavior enough to send the message across, just to avoid being the instigator. We will cover this behavior pattern another time. Now back to the grieving victim.

Your self esteem has taken a major hit. You question your self worth, and even blame yourself for the breakup. And many times, detaching from your ex partner or relationship, can be very difficult. We’re not necessarily talking Glen Close type Fatal Attraction, or cyber stalking. But detachment, especially when you’re otherwise truly invested, is hard. Yet, it is crucial for personal growth. Ironically, detachment asks that you do the very opposite of your natural instinctive response, which is to try to stay close to your ex, even if for closure. Many times, we think we can talk people out of a breakup. And so we seek time and audience with them.  But detachment says otherwise: create space to gain new perspective, and move forward from your toxic or dead-end relationship or challenging situation.

According to Psychologist Dr. Guy Winch, emotional pain is processed in the brain similarly to physical pain, thus activating the same neural pathways. In other words, emotional pain can and usually does hurt just like physical pain, sometimes worse. And so negative emotions can be extremely difficult to manage. This is where practicing detachment can help release you from the vice grip of these emotions and promote healing.

As with most psychological remedies however, practicing detachment is much easier said than done. But, try you must, and this is how:

Mindfulness Meditation

Mindfulness meditation can significantly improve your mental well-being. Research has shown repeatedly, that it helps people observe their thoughts and emotions without necessarily reacting to them. By focusing on your breathing and physical sensations, you can release negative emotions. Interestingly, regular practice can even change brain regions associated with emotional regulation and therefore reduce stress. This is an interesting concept called neuroplasticity, and no, we will not be delving any further. At least, not in this post!

Physical Distance

If there is a world champion relationship expert, then it has to be Dr. John Gottman. And this world champion suggests that taking a break can be healthy for gaining perspective. Physical distance allows us process emotions and gain clarity.  Usually. Remove yourself and access to yourself completely from the person or situation. Again, it’s difficult. But healing is much harder when the source of your pain is in close quarters. However, physical distancing should not be used to avoid problems. Communicate, where the relationship can still be salvaged, as opposed to running away because Dr. Gottman said so.

Reframing Your Thoughts

Here’s another world champion – Dr. Martin Seligman – star researcher in positive psychology. And he advocates for “cognitive restructuring”, a fancy term which simply means replacing negative thoughts with positive ones. For example, your ex taught you to play the piano. That’s a positive outcome from your relationship. Dwell on it from time to time. Practice gratitude: “thank God I’m alive to love again”, and love even better given what I’ve learnt from my past relationship. That sort of thing. Reframing your thoughts promotes a positive mindset and overall well-being.

It’s important to remember that detachment does not mean you don’t care or you are giving up prematurely. Nope. Instead, its about you protecting yourself and preparing yourself for the future. Afterall, there’s precious little you can do about the past. And there’s even an added bonus – detachment leads to peace of mind. And turning up smiling and happy will confuse those who left you for dead. It’s a psychological one-uppance, and does wonders for your self esteem.