It’s entirely likely that everyone, at some stage in their lives, has been pressured about getting married. Those pressures are even more so in these parts of the world, and, more so on young women as they approach their late 20s. And if per chance you let the nose-poking, load carriers get to you, you may ultimately let their queries cloud your judgement. Admittedly, the quest to get married is not quite as pressing as it once was.
But it’s there, following the nearly 30s like a dark judgmental cloud, most visible at family gatherings and festive periods. Marriage is still considered an “achievement”, and one well worth celebrating. So much so, those who haven’t quite “achieved”, are made to feel a little less worthy in society.
And so the question is asked, when should you get married? “What is the right age to get married”? Well, it depends on who you listen to. For instance, a recent research-based article, proclaimed the perfect age for women was 26. And for men, 32. For slightly different reasons, relationship therapist Weena Cullins thinks the ideal age for women to get married is 28.
But clearly, love doesn’t follow a timeline
Imagine two couples: Richard and Catalina, or Dick and Cat, as they prefer to be called, who met in university, graduated at about 23, and got married at 24. Fela and Connie met later in life, both fully established in their careers, and got married at 38. Now, which of these 2 couples do we suppose would be more fulfilled? Well, there’s absolutely no telling! Both couples could very well have incredibly fulfilling marriages.
Age does not necessarily define love or commitment. Having said that, there is a certain level of maturity which helps couples cope better with the strains of marriage. And in a study carried out by this author, age was found to be a significant factor in determining successful marriages.
Focus on “right time,” not “right age”
It’s all too easy to get fixated on a “right age” to get married. People put themselves under undue pressure trying to meet a self-imposed deadline to tie the knot. “I have to be married before my 30th birthday she says”. “My next birthday will be in my husband’s house by God’s grace”. Interestingly, men are probably worse at this target setting palaver. The difference being that they simply don’t vocalize it quite as much as women do. And so, men ultimately fall into the “love the one you’re with” trap, and spend the next many years in regret.
Yet, when we consider the fact that, neurologically, our brains aren’t fully developed in many instances till our late 20s or even early 30s, should we really be thinking about together ever after before we’re fully developed ourselves? While the research on this is relatively difficult reading, the conclusions are clear and empirical. Now suddenly, 26 might be looking a little young, no? Let us proceed.
What should be in place before we seriously consider getting married?
Personal growth, financial stability, shared values, and a solid relationship
Are you both emotionally mature and ready for the challenges and compromises of marriage? Compromises the likes of which you may never have considered possible in your adult life? Are you ready to redefine the meaning of forgiveness, of selflessness even?
Can you manage your finances individually and then as a couple, and feel confident about your future together? Can you forego the things you want now and be emotionally secure enough to delay personal gratification for the sake of your union?
Do you have similar life goals, communication styles, and fundamental beliefs? And if not, are you strong enough to accept each other for what you both like and believe in? And in spite of your differences, do you have shared values that will endure?
But most of all, is this person you are considering spending the rest of your life with someone you truly trust and respect and vice versa? Are you able to speak freely and openly without fear of ridicule or abuse from them?
Let’s wait a while
You said you would always love meRemember I said the same thing tooYou don’t have to be frightened with my loveBecause I’ll never give up on you
Inspiring lyrics from an unlikely source – Ms. Janet Jackson – subtly hinting at the commitment and resilience required in a meaningful relationship. But in truth, what is most required is personal growth first, before the joint commitment:
- Develop your individuality: Pursue your passions, travel, and discover who you are before committing to a life partner.
- Establish your career: Financial security and career goals contribute massively to a stable marriage.
- Learn from past relationships: Analyze past experiences to avoid repeating mistakes in your future marriage.
The takeaway
Alas, there’s no magic number on the calendar that guarantees a perfect marriage, regardless of what the astrologers say. Focus on being a person a significant other wants to get married to. Not the other way round! And with medical science, the truth is, even women who are guilt tripped by parents and aunties and all, can delay the big day longer than before and learn about life and love, and love of self, first.
So so so. If there’s a gun to my head and I have to take a position, admittedly biased, and with only one academic study under my arm, I’d say 35-40 for women, and for men, not before 40…, if it can be helped. I’d wager a sizeable purse on that sort of union, all other things being equal.
