Although we have a choice in becoming the people we strive to be, it is without a doubt that our childhoods shape us, to a certain extent. How we choose to react to different situations, how we express ourselves, and our behavioral patterns are formed at a very young age, when we first begin to learn how to make sense of our immediate environment. Marriage, and family counselors, Dr. Milan and Kay Yerkovich discovered that everyone has a certain love style based on their upbringing. A love style is comprised of our tendencies and inclinations of how we respond to our romantic partners.

Here are their five love styles, based on the attachment theory in psychology.

The pleaser

The pleaser often grows up in a home with an overly protective, or angry and critical parent. As children, pleasers do everything they can to be good and to be on their best behavior to not provoke a negative response from their parent(s). Pleaser-children don’t receive comfort; instead, they spend their time and energy, giving comfort to their reactive parents. Pleasers are uncomfortable with conflict and deal with disagreements by often giving in or making up for them quickly. They usually have a hard time saying no and because they want to minimize conflict, they may not be truthful and lie to avoid difficult confrontations.

As pleaser children grow into adults, they learn to read the moods of others around them to make sure they can keep everyone happy, However, when pleasers feel stressed or believe that they are continuously letting someone down, they can have a breakdown and flee from relationships.

Pleasers often spread themselves thin, trying to be everything to everyone when it’s not realistic, and instead of forming healthy boundaries for themselves, they focus more on the needs and desires of others. For pleasers to cultivate stable relationships, they have to be honest about their feelings, rather than trying to do what is expected of them.

The victim…

…often grows up in a chaotic home. Victims, learn to be compliant to survive. By paying less attention to themselves, they can stay under the radar. To deal with their angry/violent parents, victim children learn at a very young age to hide and stay quiet because being fully present is painful for them. Victim children often build an imaginary world in their heads to cope with the dangers they face daily. Victims have low self-esteem and usually struggle with anxiety and depression. They may end up marrying controllers, who mirror the same behaviors as their parents. Victims learn to cope by being adaptable and going with the flow. They are so used to chaos in stressful situations, that when they do experience calmness, it makes them feel uneasy because they anticipate the next blowup.

For victims to cultivate healthy, stable relationships, they have to learn self-love and stand up for themselves when a situation calls for it, instead of letting their partner walk all over them.

The controller…

…usually grows up in a home where there wasn’t a lot of protection, so they learn to toughen up and take care of themselves. They need to feel in control at all times to prevent the vulnerability they experienced in their childhood from being exposed in their adulthood. People with this love style believe that they’re in control when they can avoid experiencing negative feelings of fear, humiliation, and helplessness. Controllers, however, do not associate anger with vulnerability, so they use it as a weapon to remain in power.

Controllers have rigid tendencies, but may also be sporadic and unpredictable. They don’t like stepping out of their comfort zones because it makes them feel weak and unprotected. They prefer to solve problems on their own and like getting things done in a certain manner. Otherwise, they get angry. For controllers to form stable, long-lasting relationships, they need to learn how to let go. They need to trust others, and keep their anger at bay.

The vacillator…

…often grows up with an unpredictable parent. Vacillators learn that their needs aren’t their parent’s top priority. Without consistent affection from their parents, vacillators develop a deep fear of abandonment. But when the parent finally feels like giving their time and attention to them, vacillators are usually too angry and too suspicious to receive it. As vacillators enter adulthood, they try to find the consistent love they were deprived of as children.

Vacillators tend to idealize new relationships. But once they feel let down or disappointed, they grow dejected and doubtful. They often feel misunderstood and experience a lot of internal conflict and emotional stress within their relationships. Vacillatorcan be extremely sensitive and perceptive, which allows them to detect even the slightest change in others. They also know when people are pulling away.

For vacillators to cultivate healthy, stable relationships, they need to learn how to pace themselves. They also need to get to know someone before committing too soon and getting hurt by their expectations.

The avoider…

…often grows up in a less affectionate home, that values independence and self-reliance. As children, avoiders learn to take care of themselves. They put their feelings and needs on hold to deal with their anxieties. Avoiders are anxious of having little to no comfort from their parents.

Avoiders tend to like their space and rely on logic and detachment more than their emotions. They get uncomfortable when people around them experience intense mood swings. For avoiders to cultivate healthy, long-lasting relationships, they need to learn how to open up and express their emotions honestly.

So, which love style do you identify with? Please share your thoughts with us below. Feel free to reach out to any of the coaches at Kinnect if required.