Every so often there’s a new buzzword floating around looking to capture the imagination of the easily bored general public. Remember “yuppies” from the late 80s – young upwardly mobile professionals? Then we had the metrosexual, made all the more popular by David Beckham. And more recently there was the sapiosexual, with everyone from runs girls to the C-suite executive claiming to be one.  Cue intro: hypergamy. A term which references the oldest dating and marrying strategy known to man.

The upward climb

Basically, hypergamy is about “dating or marrying up”. From Pretty Woman to Fifty Shades of Grey, and all the way back to the Sound of Music. The movie industry is replete with different versions of female hypergamy, where a woman of somewhat lower standing dates a high(er) value man. Bridgeton glammed it up and had several generations of young unmarried women dreaming about their own versions of high society future partners.  In truth, most societies base male-female unions strictly on this model.

Hypergamy is all about seeking out a partner who is perceived to be of a higher social, economic, or educational status.  After all, one of the oldest reasons for marriage is “social standing” and therefore (typically) financial security. It’s about upgrading your Toyota for a Lexus. Otherwise, what’s the point?

Yet, as cold and as unfeeling as this may appear, hypergamy has deep roots in history. All those years ago, marrying into a wealthier or more prestigious family was really the only way for women to secure a better future. Remember, women didn’t have the same privileges then as they do today. But it’s a delicate concept – while it does sound unnervingly like gold digging, it really isn’t. It’s about finding someone who can provide stability  and security for you and your future children. Someone who can introduce you to the finer things in life like a YouTube account without ads.

What’s love got to do with it?

Bless Tina Turner. Admittedly, the great songstress was talking about sex in the song, but the answer to the question remains the same – nothing. Love really has nothing to do with marriage as originally structured. According to renowned sexologist, Shamyra Howard, marriage for love is a relatively new concept. “Hypergamy is essentially a patriarchally constructed form of partnership from a time when women had very little education, weren’t able to work, and needed their partner for survival”. Let us rephrase: there’s love in hypergamy; eventually; hopefully. At the onset however, it’s love for male value and love for female youth and beauty. With some luck, love for each other may then grow out of this more functional arrangement; or not.

I can’t come and kill myself

“And in the opposite corner…”, we have hypogamy. Simply put, this is the practice of “marrying down,” where someone dates or ties the knot with a partner of lower status, wealth, or education. If hypergamy is climbing up the social ladder, hypogamy is taking a walk downtown in search of easier pickings. Two things should jump out here – one, it is men who are mostly hypogamous. And two, once again, female youth and beauty – the collective albatross of so many men of history. Ok, apart from rich men looking to date pretty young things – apologies to Michael Jackson, why would anyone want to marry down? Utility. Many many many men, especially of comparatively lower status, want a partner for functional reasons. They avoid the beauty queens like the plague! Women who are deemed high maintenance. They also avoid the highly educated women who might be considered overly opinionated. So, in opting for the simple life, they marry well beneath their status, and hope to enjoy old school patriarchal dominance in their homes. And for better or worse, this is a well tried and largely successful strategy…, until she decides to study nursing and move to America!

So, what’s with all the hype?

If these concepts, even if not in name, have been around so long, why the hype? Maybe it’s because the sand is shifting beneath our feet. More and more women, even the less than truly attractive ones are all vying for high value men. And high value men, probably more now than at any time in modern history, have come to realize their worth, and are completely upturning the dating arena.

There’s almost no room for the regular guy, with successful women happily going into polygamous arrangements with successful men, instead of “managing” monogamously with average Joe. Sadly for the low guys, the benefits of these polygamous arrangements are significant enough to keep them out of the game.

Hypergamy and it’s mirrored twin, hypogamy, tap into deep-seated ideas about love, power, and money. Some argue that hypergamy is a natural human instinct, while others criticize it as a form of materialism or status-seeking. On the other hand, hypogamy can flip the script and challenge traditional gender roles. After all, it’s 2024—who says the guy has to be the breadwinner? If the lady boss in the relationship is the one bringing home the bacon, why should anyone care?

The verdict: Just enjoy the ride

Well, they should care because using hypergamy and hypogamy as the basis for marriage is simply not working. Divorce rates are climbing, and old fashioned otherwise healthy relationships are on the decline – there are even fewer young people having sex now than at almost anytime in recent history. And many point to the economics of relationships as the reason. Young women are holding out for high value men, and the young men simply cannot cope with the gift-bearing, money spending high status men, fishing in the same pool.

At the end, whether you’re climbing up, sliding down, or just hanging somewhere in the middle, the key is to find someone who makes you happy. Whether that means marrying up, down, or sideways is entirely up to you. Cougars dating cubs, zaddies dating 20 year olds, or more middle-of-the-road young lovers looking to build a life together. Seek happiness, first. It almost never ends well otherwise, with deep resentment and regret the final order of the day (think Prince Charles and Diana). Love isn’t a game of Monopoly where we’re all trying to buy Park Place—it’s more like a game of Charades, where the fun (and sometimes chaos) comes from finding the right balance.