Link between meaningful connections and being vulnerable

TO BE VULNERABLE, IS HARDWORK. BUT IT'S WORTH IT.

Link between meaningful connections and being vulnerable

According to a really clever researcher called Brené Brown, “Connection is why we’re here”. It’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. This is what it’s all about. It doesn’t matter who you ask or speak to, it all boils down to connection – human/social interaction. For this reason, therefore, people are most scared of a lack of connections in their lives. According to Dr. Brown, when you ask people about love, they tell you about heartbreak. When you ask people about belonging, they’ll tell you about being excluded. And when you ask people about connection, the stories they tell are about disconnection.

So, what is behind this lack of meaningful connections?

What is it that holds people back? Shame. And shame is really easily understood as the fear of disconnection: ALL of us have something we’re ashamed of putting out in the open, of telling someone else, even on a one-on-one basis. If we dig a little deeper, we’ll find what underpins this shame – the I’m not good enough, I grew up poor, I’m not attractive enough, fair-skinned enough, tall enough, rich enough.  “I’m not thin enough, rich enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, funny enough, popular enough.”

The thing that underpinned this was how painfully vulnerable people were.

From her research, she discovered that “there was only one variable that separated the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging and the people who really struggle for it. And that was, the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they’re worthy of love and belonging”. They believe they’re worthy.

To be worthy is to be bold enough to love yourself. When you deem yourself even worthy of a meaningful connection. To have the courage to be imperfect. Not to wallow in self-pity, but to embrace your imperfections, and even strive with them. To have the compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others, because, as it turns out, we can’t practice compassion with other people if we can’t treat ourselves kindly. Let go of who you think you should be in order to be who you are.

Vulnerability is hard work.

To accept that you’re vulnerable is almost alien to the natural instinct of the brain to want to protect itself. To protect you from harm, physical or psychological. And being vulnerable means exposing your innards to potential ridicule. Betrayal, derision even. Can you ask a really good-looking girl out without fear of rejection? Can she ask a guy out first without appearing needy?

We live in a vulnerable world. And one of the ways we deal with it is we numb vulnerability. Yet, according to her research, Dr. Brown says, you cannot selectively numb emotion. You can’t numb those hard feelings without numbing the other emotions. When we numb those, you numb joy, you numb gratitude, and you numb happiness. And that’s the worst part possibly.

When happiness goes, we look for it ardently in the wrong places.

Addictions. Places of worship – churches, mosques, and the good old jazzists. These people specialize in making the scary uncertain world, certain. They make everything “ok” with their prayers, and chants, and sacrifices. This in itself is a form of addiction. And then there’s denial. It’s always someone else’s fault. Your stepmother, your village people. Your co-worker even. Rather than embrace our fears and vulnerabilities, we cast them on someone or something else.

Let’s stop hiding behind our masks of perfection and start living wholeheartedly. Let’s embrace our vulnerabilities and form meaningful connections with others. We are enough and deserve to live a life filled with love, belonging, and connection.

Most importantly, we need to believe that we’re enough.

This article is based on the work of Dr. Brown on vulnerability.

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