Making relationships work, according to a psychologist

Making relationships work, according to a psychologist

We all know things can get a little rough sometimes – arguments pop up, and frustration builds. But what if there was a simple rule to keep things positive? What if there was a simple trick that would make even the most difficult periods in a relationship just melt away? Well, sorry, there’s no such trick. Relationships are hard work. Much harder than most people envisage when they’re in the courtship phase. The getting-to-know-you period. But, there is one approach which is probably more effective than just about any other tried method available. Best part? It’s from arguably the world’s most renowned marriage psychologist, who boasts some of the best applicable research into relationships ever.

Mambo Number 5

The psychologist in question is Dr. John Gottman, who has a theory based on years of research: The 5:1 ratio. Here’s the deal: for every negative interaction you have with your partner (think arguments, criticism, defensiveness), you need to have at least five positive interactions. These can be anything from compliments and words of affirmation, to simply showing you care through actions – run her bath, warm her dinner, ask genuinely about her day, and actually listen as she tells you. Well, assuming she’s still not too angry to speak to you. But do not despair. She’ll come round if you’re genuine in your intentions.

Why Does it Work?

Think of it like building a relationship bank account. So every positive interaction represents a deposit, building trust and goodwill. In which case, every negative interaction represents a withdrawal. The 5:1 ratio ensures you’re making more deposits than withdrawals, therefore maintaining a healthy account balance. In fact, you’re actually growing the account going by this analogy!

Making it Work for You

So how do we put this into practice? Here are some tips:

  • Be the compliment czar: Notice something about your partner, appreciate it quickly. It could be anything from their looks to their sense of humor or their work ethic. Here’s the thing – compliments always work as long as they’re focused. Pick that one thing, think it through, and launch. So don’t compliment her foundation in your eagerness. Wait for the make up to be done, then lay it on thick. And ladies, when he’s looking particularly sharp, tell him. And then watch him grow a few inches as he glides out on a floaty cloud.
  • Be a show-er and a grow-er: Actions speak louder than words. Offer to have her car checked. Cook him a dish that should last him a week. In other words, balance the compliments with some real deeds. It’s a deadly combo, sure to keep things ticking along quite nicely.
  • Active listening is key: When your partner is talking, listen. Listen intently. Do the whole facial expression thing with each new twist and turn in the story. Throw in the hmms and ahs where appropriate as well. Put your phone away, make eye contact, and ask pertinent questions. With a guy, you may have to offer a solution or two. For a lady, best to just listen and do all of the above. Unless of course its a direct request for help. Then your mms and ahs may not quite work.
  • Don’t be afraid of a little PDA: This might take some practice for many guys. And its a cultural thing – not all societies encourage PDA the same way others do. But find a minimal level you’re comfortable with, and execute as flawlessly as possible. Everybody likes the reassurance of some physical contact.

A little give and take

The 5:1 ratio applies to both parties. If you’re feeling like you’re not getting enough positive interactions, have a conversation with your partner. While you may want to use the 5:1 ratio as a secret weapon, it’s best to share your new-found secret sauce. It’s not a game of one-upmanship. You’re in it to win it…, together. Make a game of it if you must. Be each other’s 5:1 accountability partners, and gently call out the other person if they’re slipping in their positivity quotient.

Remember, strong relationships take time and effort. Focus on the positives. And as much as you may want to just throw mud at him because you’re angry, remember the bank deposit analogy, and let that guide you.

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