When it comes to relationships, our brains quickly kick into overdrive trying to protect us. We focus all too often on the negative aspects of our partners or the relationship while ignoring the positive. This is due to our brain’s built-in negativity bias, which evolved to help us survive by focusing on potential threats. Threat in this case clearly isn’t referring to being eaten by a wild animal. The threat here is more of an emotional one. We don’t want to get hurt. And so a simple action might be misinterpreted as a slight, an insult, or a sign of negligence or disrespect.
This unconscious process is known as mental filtering…
…, and refers to our tendency to selectively focus on information that supports our negative beliefs, while ignoring information that contradicts them. In dating, this might mean noticing every time our partner does something we don’t like while overlooking the times they do something thoughtful or loving. “He never compliments me”, “she’s always waiting for me to reach out first…”, and so on. These expressions must sound familiar. We’re all guilty of this, but we’re not necessarily at fault. It’s how we’re wired. Sadly, this sort of filtering can easily lead to friction in the relationship, and if unchecked can lead to a total breakdown of communication, and even to depression. So what can we do about it?
Cognitive defusion…
…, is a technique that can help us overcome mental filtering and negativity bias. It involves observing our thoughts without judgment, rather than getting caught up in them. By practicing cognitive defusion, we can learn to see our thoughts as mere thoughts, rather than as reflections of reality. In a relationship, cognitive defusion might involve noticing when we’re thinking negative thoughts about our partner and then challenging those thoughts by asking ourselves if they’re really true. For example, if we think “My partner is always late and doesn’t care about my feelings,” we might challenge that thought by asking ourselves if there are other possible explanations for their lateness, such as traffic or a genuine misunderstanding. Is he in fact ALWAYS late? Unlikely. Does he do other nice and thoughtful things for me? If you were to balance the good and the bad, is he more good than bad? By what ratio? This sort of rational thinking can help overcome our negativity bias and help keep our relationships intact.
In relationships, the negativity bias and mental filtering can lead us to:
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Focus on our partner’s flaws and imperfections, rather than their positive qualities
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Assume the worst about our partner’s intentions or behaviors, with little or even no evidence
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Overlook the positive aspects of our relationship and focus on the negative
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Get caught up in negative thoughts and emotions, such as anxiety, stress, and jealousy
Therefore, to overcome the negativity bias and mental filtering in dating, we need to become aware of our thoughts and intentionally focus on the positive aspects of our partner and relationship. Cut her some slack – her female ancestor was abandoned by her caveman husband, literally holding the baby, and the baby was almost eaten by a hungry lion. So it’s not her fault she’s protective of her heart and her emotions. We can practice gratitude by reflecting on the things we appreciate about our partner and the relationship. By doing so, we can rewire our brains to focus on the good and create a more positive and healthy relationship.
Now let’s put it all together in a workable list…
…, and see if we can start overcoming the negativity bias and mental filtering plaguing our relationships and our mental health:
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Notice your thoughts and patterns. Ask yourself if you’re focusing on the negative aspects of your partner or relationship.
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Practice cognitive defusion by observing your thoughts without judgment. Challenge negative thoughts by asking yourself if they’re really true.
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Take breaks from negative information sources, such as social media or toxic friends and family. After all, no one knows your partner like you do.
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Practice gratitude by reflecting on the positive aspects of your partner and relationship; remember the lion that attacked her ancestor?
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Challenge your mental filtering by deliberately seeking out diverse perspectives and information that contradicts your negative beliefs.
By practicing cognitive defusion and challenging our negative thoughts, we can:
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See our partner and relationship in a more balanced and realistic light
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Focus on the positive aspects of our relationship and appreciate our partner’s good qualities
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Communicate more effectively and work through conflicts in a healthy way
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Create a more positive and loving relationship that brings us joy and fulfillment.
Final word…
Typical of most aspects of human psychology, however, there is a caveat. Practicing cognitive defusion and challenging your own thoughts so as to be objective, requires a certain level of self-confidence. Low self-esteem invariably leads to a lack of trust, a potent factor in the overactivity of negative bias. You may therefore need to work on your own self-esteem first, building up your self-confidence and trust in your partner and your relationship.
As we become more aware of our negativity bias, mental filtering, and cognitive defusion, we can create a more balanced and healthy approach to dating and relationships. Remember, meanness and evil may exist, but so do goodness and love abound, and it’s up to us to choose where we focus our attention.
