Online dating is seen mostly as superficial, instantly gratifying exchanges. In that case, is it possible to still suffer from a fate more usually ascribed to regular offline dating – the well known love-hate relationship? Well, yes. For reasons otherwise difficult to fathom, the allure of a love-hate relationships can be baffling. One minute it’s together forever, and the next, you’re fuming over a hurtful remark. How many times have we asked ourselves the question – “what am I doing with this person”? Thankfully, we can lean heavily on the thoughts of a leading psychologist, Mark Travers, for understanding, as he weighs in on the two key factors that can trap us in this emotional rollercoaster. There is a caveat though – we will look at his response through the prism of the Nigerian dating terrain, and see if there are learning points from Dr. Travers’ research.

1. Attachment styles and unmet needs

You really want to interrogate the childhood experiences of your love interest. Deeply. The signs and clues about what to expect from your future partner can be gleaned from these experiences. And this is because our early childhood experiences shape how we connect with others in romantic relationships. Attachment theory suggests strongly that people develop different attachment styles based on their relationships with their primary caregivers from a very early age.

• Anxious Attachment: People with anxious attachment styles often crave constant reassurance and validation. They might misinterpret a partner’s independence as a sign of disinterest, leading to feelings of insecurity and possessiveness. Cue the hot and cold behavior patterns, aka, love hate.
• Avoidant Attachment: Partners with avoidant attachment styles tend to shy away from intimacy and commitment. Their emotional distance can trigger the anxious partner’s need for closeness, creating a push-pull dynamic.

In these scenarios, both partners’ needs go unmet, fostering a cycle of arguments and reconciliations.

2. Intermittent reinforcement and the “trauma bond”

Intermittent reinforcement, a concept borrowed from behavioral psychology, explains how unpredictable rewards can be highly reinforcing. It is basically, the delivery of a reward at irregular intervals. This is a particularly manipulative method that has been determined to yield the greatest effort from a subject. Imagine a slot machine for a second – you pull the lever, sometimes you win big, sometimes, well many more times, you lose. But this uncertainty keeps you engaged and coming back for more. It’s like an addiction. Actually, it is an addiction – according to psychologist Kate Munden, “Many victims feel stuck and unable to leave toxic relationships. Intermittent reinforcement is linked to the reward circuits of the brain that are associated with addiction. The unpredictability of the abuse cycle is what causes one to become addicted to their partner”.

And this is how love-hate relationships can function, either online or offline. Brief periods of affection or passion can create a powerful bond, despite the negativity. This “trauma bond” keeps us hooked, hoping for the good times to outweigh the bad.

Breaking free from the cycle

To be perfectly clear, it’s best not to get into a love-hate relationship in the first place. And yes, they can actually be avoided if we simply allow our logical brains to get a word in while our emotions run riot at the glee of meeting a new potential partner. In other words just pause and think. Ask the right questions about their past relationships, about their growing up. Ask about their relationships with their parents. Even ask that they take a personality test! But do it half jokingly so you don’t come across as a bit of a psycho yourself. Which brings up the thought, how do we know you’re not the person with the issues? Either way, let’s examine a few possible ways to break free from this toxic pattern:

• Self-awareness: Understand your attachment style and how it might be influencing your behavior. Once done, work on you. It’s not somebody else’s responsibility to fix you. Define the damage and deal with it as best you can.
• Identify your needs: What are your non-negotiables in a relationship? What are your dealbreakers? Do not compromise on these. It’s fine if he’s 5’11” and not quite the 6-footer you had hoped for. But if he insists on supporting the wrong political candidate, watch out.
• Open communication: Talk to your partner about your concerns and needs in a calm and assertive manner.
• Boundaries: Set healthy boundaries to protect your emotional well-being.
• Seek professional help: If you’re struggling to break free on your own, consider therapy. We’re here to help.

Bitter-sweet

Love-hate relationships are rarely a recipe for long-term happiness. Once identified, best to just leave well enough alone. The scars from these abusive relationships take years to heal. In some cases, they never actually heal completely.