When it comes to finding a suitable partner for a healthy relationship, the search often feels overwhelming. There are so many books and columns and coaches of all shapes and sizes, each parading as subject matter experts. But there is one simple yet time-tested framework that can help make the process easier and more straightforward. This process is called P-A-I-R. PAIR stands for Physical Attraction, Admiration, Intimacy, and Respect. We must note, however, that these pillars do not come in any specific order as they carry different weights according to the individual. In other words, some people may value intimacy over admiration for instance. But, a lack of any one pillar is a formula for disaster. Now let’s break them down one after the other:
1. Physical Attraction
This is typically the very first point of contact in a budding relationship. And while men are more susceptible to physical attraction, there is no doubt women are also impressed firstly by what they see. Unfortunately, this is by far the most superficial of all 4 pillars, and therefore the least resilient when the going gets, well, going. And so it is important to look beyond physical attraction, important as it is for the initial connection. There has to be more to a potential partner.
A healthy relationship must therefore include a balance of emotional and physical connection. For many people, men especially, it is almost impossible to have intimacy without physical attraction. In other words, a lack of physical attraction really represents a lack of 2 of the 4 pillars of meaningful and sustained connection. However, physical attraction can evolve. People do get more attractive the more you know them, and the more you spend time with them. But is it worth the risk though? The jury is out on this one. Accepting or tolerating a person’s physical shortcomings may not be the best foundation for sustained intimacy.
2. Admiration
Admiration is simply recognizing and appreciating your partner’s qualities, values, and achievements. It is about seeing them for who they are, and what they stand for. But, it’s also about voicing your admiration for them. There’s no point admiring a person in silence! Let them know how you feel about them. Validate them and encourage them. My personal belief is that you cannot love someone you do not admire in some way or the other. However, admiration should be mutual. They should validate you too, lest you start to feel undervalued and unappreciated, despite your best efforts.
Admiration helps in building a positive outlook towards each other, encouraging partners to grow together. It contributes to emotional bonding and resilience in the relationship. When challenges arise, mutual admiration acts as a foundation of trust and respect, allowing couples to navigate difficulties with a shared sense of purpose and appreciation.
3. Intimacy
The big one. Well, one of the big ones. Intimacy is complex. And most of us don’t know just how complex it is till we’re in a relationship. Intimacy is a barometer for the state of a relationship. The less there is of it, the lower the quality of that relationship. Yet, it is affected by so many factors, especially the other 3 pillars mentioned in this article. Intimacy goes beyond physical closeness. It’s emotional, its vulnerability, it’s spiritual even. If you’re lucky, you get it straight off the bat. If not, it will require patience, understanding, and open communication. Sadly for many people, a lack of spontaneity is equated with a lack of intimacy and therefore a lack of compatibility. So if it’s not instant fireworks, do not despair. There’s hope. But you’ve got to be open and intentional about it.
4. Respect
Now this is the really big one. At least for men. According to Aretha Franklin, it’s apparently important for women as well. RE-S-P-E-C-T. It is at the heart of any and every healthy relationship. How do you treat your partner with dignity? Do you value their opinions? Do you acknowledge their points of view? How do you treat them in public? Any public – friends, family, strangers… Respect honors boundaries, listens actively and attentively, and addresses conflicts constructively. But it’s not easy. It requires self-control when provoked, and an understanding that you’re in it for the long haul. Therefore, you cannot afford to hurt or harm the person you want to grow old with. Think selfishly – if you respect your partner, chances are, they will reciprocate and respect you too.
Being respectful is being mindful and empathetic. It allows partners to honor each other’s differences with patience and understanding.
The Synergy of PAIR
It must be obvious by now, that the 4 pillars of physical attraction, admiration, intimacy, and respect, are interconnected, with each pillar reinforcing the other. Physical attraction draws partners together, admiration builds mutual appreciation, intimacy deepens the emotional connection, and respect ensures a healthy dynamic.
When these elements are in balance, relationships can thrive, offering both partners a sense of fulfillment and joy. It’s important to remember that these pillars require ongoing effort and attention. Relationships are dynamic, and maintaining the balance of PAIR involves continuous growth, communication, and mutual support.
Conclusion
Let’s recap – in finding the right partner, PAIR offers a clear and effective approach. By focusing on Physical Attraction, Admiration, Intimacy, and Respect, we can assess the health and potential of our relationships. These pillars are not just checkboxes but essential elements that contribute to a deep, meaningful, and lasting connection. Embracing PAIR can guide us toward a relationship where both partners feel valued, cherished, and truly understood.