Sanya is the funniest, nicest, most considerate person Ada has ever met. It’s been 12 months since, and those months seem to have flown by. He’s good-looking, has a great job, and is “God-fearing”, meaning her mum simply adores him. When two people connect as deeply on an emotional, intellectual, and even spiritual level, as she and Sanya have, it really does feel like finding a soulmate. And that’s exactly what is for her and Sanya…, except in the bedroom. Or anywhere else for that matter. It just doesn’t work. Not just the equipment, the chemistry as well. Somehow, the stiffness, (or often lack thereof), seeming lack of interest, his awkwardness and all, just contribute to the most lackluster sexual experience, time after time.
Sexual incompatibility, like a huge shadow that looms larger as nightfall beckons
…, sucking all the joy out of everything else once there’s even a hint of yet another attempt. And it doesn’t help that Ada has quite the appetite. Or had, as she tries to convince herself that it doesn’t really matter. After all, no one’s perfect.
Yet, sexual incompatibility is an issue many couples face, even in the happiest of relationships. And as with most couples, it can create feelings of frustration, doubt, and deep insecurity.
Understanding sexual incompatibility
Sexual incompatibility can take many forms. It may, as with Sanya and Ada, involve differences in libido, sexual preferences, physical intimacy needs, or how partners approach intimacy emotionally. Actually, Ada and Sanya may tick all these boxes it seems. She has a higher sex drive, while he honestly just enjoys being with her without the expectations of another “performance”. For others, perhaps they have different preferences for sexual activities, or maybe their timings differ – morning guy vs nighttime girl. Whatever the case is, the end result is usually the same – tension and dissatisfaction in the relationship. By the way, neither party is homosexual. We are talking about heterosexual relationships, regardless of what Ada experimented with at school.
So, what’s the good news, if any? Sanya needs to make tons of money so Ada won’t leave him. Ok, there are other solutions worth exploring, but good to get that one out there quickly. Importantly, sexual incompatibility doesn’t mean a relationship is doomed to fail. Like many other issues couples face, differences in sexual wants and needs can be addressed – through communication, compromise, and empathy. But first, ask yourself:
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Is sexual compatibility a deal-breaker?
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Are other aspects of the relationship worth preserving?
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Can we find alternative ways to fulfill each other’s needs?
Open communication is key
There is only one way to start to address the issues around sexual incompatibility, and that is communication. It can be very uncomfortable broaching the topic of sexual satisfaction, but doing it, you must. Broaching, that is. And rather than focusing on the problem in a negative light, it’s best to approach the conversation from a place of care and concern for the well-being of the relationship. In truth, most suboptimal or seemingly delinquent sexual behavior can be linked back to sexual incompatibility with a partner. Swinging, pornography, engaging commercial sex workers, sleeping with the gardener even. The list is long.
Be honest, but tactful
What should Ada do before making the ultimate commitment to Sanya? Talk about her needs and listen to his, but avoid blame or making the other party feel inadequate. Use “I” statements – “I feel disconnected when we don’t have as much physical intimacy”, instead of “You” statements – “You never want to have sex”, and the like. Remember the ego is fragile, all the more so when manly duties are unfulfilled. Oh, same goes for women as well. Ada’s self esteem would take quite the bashing if she was unable to satisfy her dear Sanya.
Compromise and flexibility
Sexual satisfaction is rarely about one partner getting exactly what they want, when they want it, and how they want it in the shower. It’s about finding middle ground where both parties are comfortable. Sated even. So be flexible – “it could be better, but this works well enough”. Next time, it’ll be my turn to, er, arrive. And in style. That’s the compromise, the give and take, push and pull, if you like that sort of thing.
If one partner has a higher sex drive, finding a balance that accommodates both parties is vital. This might involve planning for intimacy at specific times, or engaging in physical intimacy without full intercourse. Whatever works for a couple. Sexuality is complex, and preferences differ infinitely. And if both partners are open, they may want to experiment and explore different ways of intimacy that will satisfy the 2 of them. Or 3 (we’re being flexible here).
Seek professional help if needed (or if all else fails)
Most times, sexual incompatibility feels insurmountable, with both parties settling into a comfort zone where the issue is simply avoided. If both parties are truly comfortable, and can function regardless, this is fine too. Sexless marriages can work as long as both parties are on the same page. But where attitudes and desires differ, seeking the help of a therapist or sex counselor can be incredibly beneficial. Couples counseling can also provide a neutral space for partners to express their concerns and work through their differences. A skilled and patient therapist can help each partner individually, to understand the other person’s point of view, hopefully facilitating a deeper emotional and physical connection. And you never know, the problems might be linked to some past trauma or anxiety that can be worked through carefully with a therapist.
Conclusion: Close your eyes and think of England
Sexual incompatibility in an otherwise perfect relationship is like a bad unfortunate joke. Like corn flakes without the milk. Just when you think you’re finally there, the search is finally over, it happens. Well, actually it doesn’t happen. But, it’s not the end of the world. Get help, get kinky, do what you must. But remember, whatever “it” is, must be acceptable to you both. That’s the key. Everyone has a cross to carry, this is just one of many. So do what works for you, but do it in a way you’re both happy to go with. No one’s judging, no one has a right to.