Sexual intimacy:
“Let’s wait awhile, Before it’s too late, Let’s wait awhile, Our love will be great, Let’s wait awhile, Before we go too far”
For the second time in as many articles, we are turning to the sagely Janet Jackson, in setting the tone for today’s post. Undoubtedly, one of the most important decisions couples face in a relationship is when to become sexually intimate. And while modern dating culture may suggest a less-than-cautionary path to physical intimacy, research shows that waiting to have sex can be highly beneficial for the longevity and quality of a relationship. Now that’s all very well, but the question needs addressing – how long should couples wait to have sex? Do they have to take their clothes off to have a good time, apologies to Jermaine Stewart.
What the research says
If we apply a simple yet time tested psychological principle – delayed gratification, then it stands to reason that delaying sexual intimacy should lead to more successful and fulfilling partnerships. In fact, one major finding suggests that couples who wait for at least six months before jumping in the sack, are more satisfied in their relationships, and experience higher levels of emotional intimacy, and commitment. The thing is, delay tends to foster a stronger emotional connection, allowing the relationship to grow based on mutual respect, shared values, and communication rather than physical attraction alone.
In contrast, rushing into sex can lead to emotional disconnection and even suspicion – “how special am I really, if we’re doing the do after only a few days of meeting”?
Emotional connection first
Strong relationships are built on solid emotional foundations, but those foundations take time. The more you know about a person without the befuddling effect of sex, the better connected you’re likely to be. In fact, you should be better positioned to know if you want to be with a person long term, without having had sex with them. This is especially so for women who prize a low body count.
And while we’re on the subject, the truth is, men will invariably value a woman more, if her body count remains relatively low. Once again we turn to fundamental psychology, where scarcity increases value. The less available, the more cherished. This applies to cherries as well, and I’m not talking about the fruit.
What about a quickie?
While waiting may provide a safety net to understand each other’s needs and boundaries, many many relationships have thrived off one night stands and quickies. Some people are able to hit it off, right off the bat, and go on to enjoy meaningful long lasting relationships thereafter. In fact, according to a research reported in 2016, more than 1 in 4 one night stands go on to become meaningful relationships.
Yes, that includes successful marriages. But, this has more to do with luck. And we really do not want to test our relationships on mere luck. Otherwise, we run the very real risk of leaving a trail of bodies in our wake, with each episode draining us the more.
Mutual comfort and timing
Ultimately, the decision to become sexually intimate is a personal one, and should be based on mutual understanding and shared values; these values invariably involve religious beliefs and must be addressed and respected. And while research may suggest that waiting six months is optimal for a relationship, this timeframe will vary, depending on the 2 people involved. The key is for both partners to feel emotionally ready.
You may not have an open discussion about it – that takes away the spontaneity and the enjoyment of a first time encounter – but work your way there slowly. Ladies, learn to tease. Holding off on sexual intimacy while getting increasingly intimate will keep a man for years to come, no pun intended. But be careful not to overplay this hand. He may turn resentful if the tease becomes excessive and obviously manipulative.
A happy ending
While there’s no universal timeline for when couples should engage in sex, research has shown the benefits of waiting to ensure that there is emotional connection and relationship stability beforehand. By prioritizing emotional, not necessarily physical intimacy, couples can build really solid foundations that lead to long-lasting relationships. And on the off chance that you may not be instantly sexually compatible, a relationship built on strong emotional ties can better navigate this hopefully temporary rough patch easier.
Put simply, there is no downside to waiting a few months till sexual intimacy…, if you can manage to hold off till then.
