Single Life:
“You read me wrong, I wasn’t trying to lead you on, Not like you think, I didn’t mean to turn you on”.
Robert Palmer put it so succinctly in his 1986 hit single.
Single life: It is what it is
Well, here’s a simple truth. Not a very popular one, but a truth nonetheless – not all men (nor indeed women) are really suited for marriage. It’s not a bad thing. These are not bad people who go around looking for the next heart to break. In fact, in many instances, the poor sods don’t even know that they’re really not built for the course. It’s like the proverbial fish ranked on its ability to climb a tree and then deemed incompetent.
It’s not incompetent at all. It is incompetent at climbing, yes. Same way our guy is probably a really good friend to his mates, a good son to his parents, and a good dependable brother to his family members. But as a romantic partner, he just cannot make it up that tree. His is the single life…, for life.
I’m a new man…, in my old age
But there’s a caveat – people change. Suddenly, the man who was incapable of a committed relationship in his 20s, 30s, right through till his early 60s, realizes in his old age that he wants a companion. Full time. In fact, he needs one. So what gives? Testosterone usually. Literally. His sex drive dips, hair loss sets in, muscle is increasingly converted to fat, and the adventurous spirit just simply dissipates. He longs for the calmness of it all.
Do you wait for your love interest to burn out, turn bald and flabby, and then come in to pick up what’s left of him? Or do you recognize the traits of a man made for the single life, and just run as far away from him as you can? How can you tell if you have a serial singleton on your hands or a guy who’s just taking his time deciding?
Fear of intimacy: The commitment-phobe’s best friend
He really doesn’t like to cuddle. Kissing is only a preamble for sex, and he can’t wait to leave once the deed is done. Yet, he’s happy to chat for hours on the phone, text intermittently all day, send you Netflix recommendations, and even watch football with you at his favorite bar over beers. Just don’t start getting ahead of yourself. He’s not your boyfriend, and refuses to be labelled as such. And for heaven’s sake, don’t ask him “so, what are we?” He’s not ready to dump the single life!
Emotional unavailability & the fear of forever (or at least until next week)
Emotional unavailability is like being a ghost – except instead of scaring people, you’re just really hard to reach. It’s like playing relationship hide-and-seek, but nobody wants to find you. Or, you’d rather not be found by anyone. Let’s be clear – our man is not a bad person. It’s important to stress this. Remember how we all tried sprinting and football and cricket…, ok, maybe we didn’t all try cricket, and some people just seemed natural athletes at certain sports?
Try as you could, you were never going to win the 100 meter dash at your interhouse sports? It’s the very same thing. Admittedly, there are many reasons why a guy might be emotionally unavailable. But, you can help some singletons through encouragement, reassurance, and even coaching. Just like the sprints however, no amount of coaching or positive reinforcement is going to make a 45 year old man an Olympic sprinter. None! So don’t bother. Find yourself a natural.
Avoidant Attachment Style: The Relationship Houdini
Avoidant attachment style is like having a PhD in relationship evasion. He’s like a ninja – swift, silent, and always disappearing at the worst possible moment. This concept is worth looking at independent of just basic emotional unavailability. It is an inability to form long-term relationships with others due to an inability to engage in physical and emotional intimacy. Avoidance attachment starts from very early childhood, and is almost impossible to change.
It just doesn’t go away. It’s like the low guy who makes money later in life and can’t shake his poverty mentality. Instead, he grabs and holds on to all things material for dear life. Investing in an avoidant is mostly futile. It is incredibly hard work, and chances are, in the end, it’ll all come to naught. Ask the right questions about his early childhood, and once you’ve confirmed your fears, make for the hills! You’re not likely to change him from the single life.
Conclusion:
If you recognize that you have a temporary lover on your hands, relax. Decide what it is you want short term, and enjoy the ride. Not all relationships are expected to end as forever ever after. Some plays are fantastic short bursts, that will still make you smile with nostalgia many years later. Don’t take him, or yourself too seriously.
