Single male friends portend trouble. Have them only if they’re unattractive:

It is nearly impossible to be in a committed relationship – dating or married and have a male friend who is just a friend. It’s only a matter of time and/or opportunity. Ask yourself, what exactly is the basis for the friendship? Because attractive heterosexuals will have great difficulty staying platonic friends outside of work and family. In general, married people should avoid friendships with single members of the opposite sex, period. It is potential drama, and unnecessary temptations when that energy should be focused on your partner.

If you’re in a relationship, spending one-on-one time with a man outside of a professional setting, is a potential danger. Yet, many married women indulge in these friendships. Why? Well, there are several reasons why matched women have single male friends.

But, the number one reason is that many women crave male attention.

Women are attracted to the male energy that single male friends provide. And women look to get that attention because of how these guys make them feel – important, special, attractive. Typically, therefore, many women feel they’re not getting the right energy from their partners, so seek it in single male friends who pay them attention as well as compliments. Women will ask these male friends for advice on their relationships, share intimate details about their issues and challenges. This however, is disrespectful to a relationship. Taking energy away from a significant other, and putting it toward another man.

The number two reason that otherwise committed women have male friends is the famous “backup plan”

Some women want a back door from the relationship when things get hard. This is a commitment issue. The proverbial grass-is-greener-somewhere-else story. And yes, many times, the grass is greener on the other side. But it’s usually because someone has taken the time to tend the grass. Watered it, nurtured it, fed it, and looked after it! We need to take accountability in our relationships seriously. Take responsibility for our poor behaviors instead of looking for these back doors.

The third reason is the continued hope of the fantasy of romantic love

Many women continue to believe that there is some man out there who can fill that emptiness and give those feelings of new romantic love permanently. Newsflash – these men cannot, because it’s a fantasy. Fantasy is why many of us, men and women, hold on to a friendship or relationship with our first love, the one we thought got away. But, beware of an illusion: it has no flaws.

Perfection does not exist. And many times, even “very good” disappears, only to return after a period. We’re only human. Fallible, incomplete, and oftentimes looking to be better people ourselves, et alone be perfect for someone else’s happiness. The best relationships are those that grow together. The ones that endure the other person’s imperfections.

Interestingly, the journey to happiness and fulfillment starts within. No one should be in charge of your happiness. And by extension, no one should have the right to make you unhappy. It has to start with you. The journey to wholeness starts with the individual. The fact that there’s an emptiness or void to fill means a real need exists. But that need is internal. It’s a void that has to be filled first by you.

How do you attain wholeness? How do you make you happy and satisfied? If the current relationship isn’t working, try to address the issues. And where there’s a deadlock, let it go. But keeping the main course warm while secretly putting ingredients in place for another meal, is demeaning to yourself, and disrespectful of your relationship. Serial monogamy versus polygamy? Well, sort of.

So here’s the takeaway:

If your partner has a single male friend, invariably, that’s the back door, which means she is not fully invested anymore. She has a backup plan for when things get really hard. And the more adamant or defensive she is when confronted about her male friend(s), the more likely there is some hidden agenda. Interestingly, many women go into these relationships truly convinced that things won’t go too far.

Subconsciously, things are likely too far gone already. And women must note, very very few single male friends want to stay platonic with attractive women. Time and chance is what they await. And predatory men can play the long game extremely well. To be sure, men are also at risk of being friends with single women who themselves play the long game well, waiting for the first signs of weakness to make their moves.

In the end…

…, it’s all about communication—respect for each other, and respect for the relationship you built. Relationships, marriage included, are by no means do-or-die affairs. If it isn’t working out, or looking likely to work out, talk about it. End things as rationally as possible. End it as friends…, and then ring up your first love to see if they have time for a coffee!