Spoilt for choice:
One of the unexpected fallouts of online dating and social media is the massive increase in choice sets people now have. From what to watch, who to date, what to eat, where to eat, it’s one option after the other. And with relationships specifically, it’s now so much easier than ever to connect with potential partners and maintain multiple connections simultaneously. However, this abundance of options has led to a phenomenon known as the paradox of choice, where an overabundance of choices can lead to uncertainty, anxiety, and ultimately, dissatisfaction. You are literally spoilt for choice.
The Paradox of Choice
In his book “The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less,” the very smart psychologist, Barry Schwartz explores how an overabundance of choices can ultimately reduce satisfaction and increase anxiety. According to the author “Learning to choose is hard. Learning to choose well is harder. And learning to choose well in a world of unlimited possibilities is harder still, perhaps too hard”. This concept can easily be applied to relationships, especially where everyone is trying to hook you up, and the “swipe” culture from dating sites and apps is now second nature to many people. We’re now too easily spoilt for choice. But what exactly are the consequences of this cable TV effect, “With 57 channels and nothing on”, apologies to Bruce Springsteen?
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Analysis paralysis: Overthinking and overanalyzing each option, making it difficult to make a decision.
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Fear of missing out (FOMO): Constantly wondering if there’s someone better out there.
The Impact on Relationships
The paradox of choice has very few upsides. But, there are positive to it, which we will look at shortly. But first, what are the negatives associated with the paradox of choice?
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Commitment issues: Difficulty committing to one partner due to the fear of missing out on others.
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Anxiety and stress: Constantly worrying about making the right choice or missing out on better options.
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Dissatisfaction and unhappiness: Constantly comparing partners and suitors, or feeling unsatisfied with the current relationship.
Overcoming This Paradox
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Set clear goals and priorities: Define what you’re looking for in a partner and relationship.
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Limit your options: Focus on a few meaningful connections rather than trying to maintain multiple relationships. Choose matchmaking apps over dating apps, and STOP SWIPING!
- Cultivate gratitude: Be thankful. The truth of course is that there’s always going to be someone better than your partner, if you have one already. So try focusing on the positive aspects of your relationship and express gratitude for your partner. And maybe you can even be the change agent needed to make the other person better still, and closer to your ideal.
Being spoilt for choice can be overwhelming. But, as decision scientists have said repeatedly, yes, there is such a thing as decision science – it’s essential to acknowledge the benefits of having options. In other words, having many options is not the problem itself, it’s how to make the right decision people struggle with. If we relate this specifically to relationships, then we can distill the techniques to these strategies:
Defining Priorities and Criteria:
- Identify non-negotiables: what qualities are absolutely essential in a partner? H-factor? No-can-do!
- Prioritize your Wishlist: Rank your different criteria. What is most important? What can you live with – a tall guy with no sense of humor, or a shortie that has you in stitches every time you meet up? SO your kids might be short and funny, or tall and boring. You decide.
- Consider long-term goals: how do your potential partners align with your life aspirations? You want to be a top banker in Nigeria, he wants to live abroad and live the soft life. Are your goals aligned? I’m Arsenal, you’re Chelsea, let’s call the whole thing off.
This approach invariably reduces your choice set. Rather like saying to Netflix, “I want to watch American dramas only”. Suddenly, it’s not 800 films and series to choose from, it’s 15. You’re no no longer spoilt for choice, are you? And while we’re on the subject of priorities and criteria, let’s “satisfice”, i.e., choose a partner who meets your minimum requirements, rather than striving for perfection.
Mindfulness and Emotional Intelligence:
Let’s face it. You’re not perfect. So maybe the journey should start within. Be the best or a very good version of you, first:
- Cultivate self-awareness: understand your own values, desires, and emotional needs.
- Practice mindfulness: become more present and focused on the present moment, reducing the influence of FOMO. And for the love of God,
- Manage your emotions: discover how to manage your fears and anxieties. And while it’s ok to be vulnerable, it’s also ok to get it wrong sometimes. Learn from the experience, and get back in there. You’ll scare people off trying by to manage every situation, and turning neurotic on your unsuspecting potentials.
The paradox of choice in relationships is a complex phenomenon, and yes, it can lead to regret on many occasions. But by understanding its effects and practicing some of the tips discussed here, we can cultivate more meaningful and satisfying relationships. Remember: set clear goals, limit your options, practice self-reflection, and cultivate gratitude. There’s someone for everyone. Unless of course you’re a polygamist.
