Today, we’re going to talk about catastrophizing (from catastrophe), a nice big word, which really just means “expecting the worst possible outcome”. It’s the life of a cynic – the “glass is half empty” guy. Unfortunately, this habit can make you anxious and depressed, and it can ruin relationships.

I’ll explain it with a short story and then show a few ways to stop catastrophizing.

Imagine late one night, a dating couple, Alex and Ola, are on their phones, chatting with each other. Alex sends a text to Ola, but she doesn’t respond on time. It’s now 25 minutes since the text was sent, and nothing. Crickets. Alex’s mind starts to wonder. Suddenly, he has convinced himself that Ola is busy re-engaging with her old boyfriend, and they’re probably planning a meet-up soon. “She’s going to break up with me. I’ll be heartbroken, and alone forever, dumped yet again”.

We’re all guilty of this sort of thought processing at different times in our relationships. For some, it’s a near-constant way of thinking. This is why catastrophizing can ruin relationships because it leads to unnecessary anxiety and eventually to anger. It makes you expect the worst, cutting yourself off from positive outcomes. It can in effect, lead to a catastrophe!

How to Stop Catastrophizing

1. Notice When You’re Catastrophizing

Start by recognizing when you’re imagining the worst. If you often think in extremes like “always” and “never” or use words like “terrible” or “ruined,” you’re probably catastrophizing. Write down these thoughts to identify patterns. If there is indeed a pattern of cynicism, then know that you may just be catastrophizing. Lighten up, being fatalistic only increases your blood pressure and shortens your lifespan. Put differently, “It’s usually not that deep”. Have a little trust, and don’t go looking for clues where they probably don’t exist.

2. Pause and Challenge Your Thoughts

Just because you think something, doesn’t mean it’s true. Slow down and breathe. Challenge these thoughts by considering more realistic outcomes. So, instead of thinking Ola is making plans for a secret rendevous, think maybe she’s in the shower or talking to her mother. And you know how her mother likes to talk.

3. Replace Catastrophic Thoughts with Balanced Ones

Replace exaggerated thoughts with more balanced ones. This helps align your thinking with reality and reduces anxiety. So instead of thinking Ola is cheating, think how long you’ve been together without even a hint of indiscretion. So why would she suddenly start now? You know she’s trustworthy, so why would one evening’s suspicion take precedence over 2 years of growth and happiness? Women are typically more guilty of this: one suspicion or wrongdoing and all the good deeds of the past 18 months are suddenly forgotten.

Why Do We Catastrophize?

To Prepare for the Worst: We think that expecting the worst protects us from disappointment. However, this only makes us nervous and prevents us from trying. So Alex thinks, “If I expect Ola to cheat, I won’t be hurt when she does,” but this can cause constant anxiety. You’re living in constant fear of rejection and disappointment. This heightened state of anxiety is most unhealthy, emotionally, and eventually, physiologically.

Motivating with Fear: Some people think fear is the best motivator – keep my guard up, and keep her on her toes! So our man Alex may think, “If I don’t worry about Ola cheating, I’ll stop caring about the relationship”. Or, if I don’t think like this, she may think I don’t care and start to look outside”. In truth, this fear-based approach only harms your connections. Fear of parents, fear of bosses, or fear of partners, is no way to achieve your true potential as an individual.

Building Better Habits

1. Sleep well: Lack of sleep makes us more sensitive to threats, real or imagined and makes us less resilient. You’re constantly on edge, almost waiting for the catastrophe to happen. In truth, sleep is  grossly under-rated as a cure for anxiety

2. Yes, it may happen; so what?: Life involves risks, and learning to live with uncertainty helps build emotional resilience. You can’t control everything about your partner’s actions, but you can trust them and work on the relationship.

3. What do you really want?: Focus on what you want rather than what you fear. Instead of thinking, “I don’t want to be alone,” think, “I want to build a loving and trusting relationship with Ola.”

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) Approach

1. Notice Catastrophizing: Recognize catastrophic thoughts for what they are – harmful and unhealthy. Using our earlier example – Ola is late. They must be with someone else.

2. Pause: Slow down and breathe. Remember that thoughts aren’t facts. “Just because I think it, doesn’t mean it’s true.”

3. Explore Alternatives:  Replace catastrophic thoughts with more rational ones. “Ola is late. They’re likely stuck in traffic. I’ll wait and see”.

4. Choose Balanced Thoughts: Challenge catastrophic thoughts and consider more realistic outcomes. Ola has always been honest. They’re probably just delayed”. Now you’re balancing the current situation with an established pattern of behavior. This stops you from acting impulsively and maintaining a more level perspective.

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By practicing these steps, you can reduce anxiety, improve your relationship, and build a more positive outlook on life. Catastrophizing only leads to unnecessary stress and possible missed opportunities. Instead, see the glass as half full. In fact, see it as full and pouring over! Let life itself prove you otherwise. Until then, drink freely and thank God you have a glass with water in it. Don’t let your thoughts leave you dry and unhappy.