Have you ever found yourself talking to your partner only to realize you’re competing for attention with WhatsApp? Or worse still, Candy Crush or some sort app. Well, turns out you’re being phubbed. “Phubbing” (phone + snubbing) is that typically upsetting moment when you’ve been ditched for a phone. It has become a modern relationship nemesis, stealing time, attention, and—if we’re honest—dignity, one notification at a time.
The Psychology of Phubbing
As usual, we’re going to get a little technical, only briefly, to set the science behind the act. And this time, we’ll do a little social psychology. In the simplest terms, phubbing messes with our need for social belonging and attention. Phubbing often triggers feelings of rejection and can lead to a lessened sense of self-worth, especially since we are all wired to interpret undivided attention as a sign of validation and closeness. This behavior also creates a social comparison effect, making the ignored partner feel less valued compared to say, TikTok. When we feel ignored or deprioritized by a partner checking out Instagram, it can trigger feelings of resentment.
Then there’s the Attachment theory, which suggests that this tech-induced neglect can even worsen attachment insecurities. A securely attached person might let it slide, but not quite so for the more anxiously attached. Cue the overthinking: “Who is more interesting than me? What’s so great about that notification?”
Why It’s So Hard to Stop
Dopamine! That’s right, phubbing taps into the same reward pathways in the brain as a bar of chocolate. Here’s the thing – checking your phone and seeing that reply or like delivers small hits of dopamine, and resisting that buzz can feel as tough as sticking to your new year resolution. And lets face it, phone apps are designed to keep you scrolling. It’s no coincidence that the more we pick up our phones, the harder it is to stop. In truth, we’re all up against some of the smartest psychologists, neurologists, and behavioral scientists in the world, all working day and night for Big Tech, looking to ensure we’re perpetually hooked on their drug! Neurotech experiments are looking to make computers and phone use even easier via mind control…, of sort. It’s a losing battle.
The Ripple Effect on Relationships
Back to our relationship. In the long run, habitual phubbing sends out an unspoken message: “I’d rather my phone than engage with you meaningfully”. That’s a big deal. Over time, it erodes trust and intimacy, sending the ignored party into a shell. Or worse still, looking for validation and engagement elsewhere. And then there’s the tit-for-tat cycle – if you can do it, so can I. Toxin loading.
How to Prevent Phubbing from Killing the Vibe
1. Set Phone-Free Zones: Designate parts of the day or the home as “no-phone zones.” You might even find that dinner tastes better without notifications. This is all very well, but it’s a lot harder to do than say. But it’s well worth trying. And the best way to ensure compliance is for a couple to work together as accountability officers. Don’t be responsible for your own compliance. Yes we know how strong willed you are, but take charge of your partner’s phone drop and let them take charge of yours.
2. Mindful Communication: If your partner phubs you, call it out, but do it kindly. And remember to use “I” statements to explain how it feels – “I feel disconnected when you’re on your phone while we’re together”. It’s far less accusatory than “You’re disconnecting from me again…”.
3. Find Dopamine Together: Yes, your mind is on the right track. But let’s not mistake phub for PHub. If you know, you know. So. Other dopamine inducing pastimes can include hobbies like walking together, or even a puzzle. Interestingly, the build up and the expectation of such joint activities can be even more exciting than the act itself, especially if you and your partner have made a sort of habit of it.
Phubbing is clearly a challenge in modern relationships. Of all kinds – romantic partners, parents and children, even among friends. But it can be managed. Be mindful of the other person. That’s what it comes down to. And, be intentional about not phubbing. So, actively put your phone away. Turn off the volume and the notifications while you’re with someone special. Make rules which ensure no one is on their phones say during meal times, or other jointly agreed periods of the day.
Like all addictions, the 1st step is recognizing the problem. The rest should hopefully follow positively.
