Say that we’re forevermore
That’s not what I’m looking for
All I can commit to is maybe.
Lyrics from the 1998 smash hit “Crush” by Jennifer Paige. Note, she’s waiving a hug red flag in the air about exactly what she’s (not) expecting from the clearly casual relationship.
Yet, if our guy is like your typical man, he’s by now, tunnel-visioned, doing what he thinks is the chivalrous thing by chasing her all the harder. Five years later, he’s cursing how she’s not the girl he used to know, and citing irreconcilable differences as his “out”. Truth of course is, she has been this way all along. He chose not to see the signs. Like the uber successful salesman who is promoted to sales manager and fails woefully at the task, not all girlfriends transform into great wives or fiancés. Same for the guys of course.
And here comes Peter
The Peter Principle, originally coined by Dr. Laurence J. Peter, educator and all round smart person, suggested that people in a hierarchy tend to rise to their level of incompetence. Put simply, employees get promoted based on their performance in their current role, but eventually reach a position where they are no longer effective because the skill set required for that role exceeds their competence. This interesting principle, while focused on workplace dynamics, can also provide a unique perspective through which to examine how relationships might evolve from casual to marriage; or not.
Just as workers may struggle to adapt to higher levels of responsibility in their careers, dating folks also face the challenge of transitioning from a regular easy going casual relationship to serious commitments. Frankly, we’re not all equipped to handle the increased complexities of deeper emotional involvement which come with serious relationships.
Let us work our analogy a little more:
Stage 1: Casual relationships – The “entry-level” phase
In casual dating, people are essentially in the early stages of exploring compatibility. In this phase, the stakes are relatively low, and there’s no real pressure to define the future or to integrate each other’s lives on a deep level. Much like entry-level employees who only need basic skills to fulfill their roles, couples are likely to keep things simple and even a tad superficial at this point – shared interests, physical attraction. The relationship is usually enjoyable, spontaneous, and free of significant commitments.
PURE problem
The Previously Unidentified Recruitment Error. Just as some employees excel in lower level jobs but struggle when promoted, many couples function very well in the casual dating stage. However, this success doesn’t necessarily mean that the relationship is equipped to handle the complexities of a deeper commitment. Emotional depth, long-term compatibility, well-honed communication skills, are not fully tested or developed, thus leading to difficulties when transitioning to a more serious phase.
Serious dating – The “mid-manager” promotion
Now our couples are at the serious dating stage. A phase that requires greater emotional investment, more time together, and often, the blending of personal lives. This is analogous to promoting a staff to a mid-level management position. Expectations increase, and the relationship must now navigate more complex territory such as family dynamics, shared values, and the prospect of a long-term future.
At this stage, couples must deal with emotional challenges, communicate more effectively, and sometimes face difficult decisions about their lives together. What was free and fun before, now seems frivolous and irresponsible. Talk shifts from the latest Burner boy single, to station wagons or 4wds. Similarly, a manager must now balance team dynamics, handle greater responsibilities, and make more strategic decisions, requiring a different skill set than they used at entry-level.
Potential problem
Yes, men and women who are great at casual relationships might struggle to meet the demands of serious relationships. A manager typically won’t come to work straight from the nightclub as he may have done as a junior. Meeting for a knees-up with the boys on Saturday night is shelved for dinner with the potential in-laws. If he cannot make the switch, then it is possible that he may not have the maturity, communication skills, or resilience necessary to handle the conflicts and challenges therein. In other words, our manager-boyfriend is operating at his “level of incompetence”.
Stage 3: Marriage – The C-suite of commitment
Marriage is the pinnacle of relational progression for many couples, analogous to achieving a senior or executive-level position in a career, otherwise known as the c-suite (you know, the chief executive, chief financial officer, chief…, you get the point). It involves a lifelong commitment, long term goals and responsibilities such as finances and family planning. At this level, the stakes are at their highest, and the demands on the person and their new role, are significant.
Now imagine if you would, a CFO backslapping with his “peeps”. Maybe engaging in drawn out arguments with his subordinates over Arsenal and Chelsea wingers . He’s forever looking to skive off work at every opportunity to catch up with Season 6 of Game of Thrones; or whatever is hot on Netflix. It simply will not work. Aside the skills required for this top job, an executive is expected to behave in certain ways. There are certain demonstrable levels of emotional intelligence, visioning, and leadership skills. Similarly, a marriage requires partners to exhibit patience, deep emotional connection, strong conflict-resolution skills, and a willingness to compromise.
Done climbing
Just as not all middle managers are ready to become executives, not all relationships are suited for marriage. Even if they have thrived in the serious dating phase. Sadly, some individuals will reach their “level of incompetence” when faced with the deeper demands of marriage. Demands such as cohabitation, shared responsibilities, and the need for long-term planning.
For example, a couple might have been super compatible while dating. But they may soon discover differences in values, financial management styles, or future goals that will make long-term partnership difficult. What was generous has turned wasteful. Spontaneity is now synonymous with poor planning, and his erstwhile cool mystique has turned cold and unfeeling. A “promotion” to marriage has revealed incompatibilities that simply weren’t apparent in the earlier stages.
How it peters out
Overlaying the Peter Principle on the hierarchy of relationships offers an interesting perspective through which to view early relationship dynamics. The best under-18 players at Manchester United almost never make it at senior level. OK, I digress.
So, understanding relational “incompetence”, patiently growing into the new roles, and seeking help to cope with the role and what comes with it, can help couples build a foundation for long-term success.
But at the same time, it is good to see the signs early. Avoid the age-old trap of thinking good girlfriends make good wives…, and vice versa of course.