The Psychology of Revenge Cheating: Understanding the reasons

Revenge cheating can be self destructive.

The Psychology of Revenge Cheating: Understanding the reasons

“Now payback is a bad bitch, and baby I’m the baddest…” That’s singer Demi Lovato from her 2017 hit ‘Sorry Not Sorry‘. And it has over half a billion views on YouTube! “E get why”. Apart from being a cracking good song, modern music is replete with songs about revenge of all kinds. From car burning, to tyre slashing, public embarrassment, and of course, malevolent infidelity, aka, revenge cheating.
Revenge cheating is pretty straightforward. You cheated, so now I’m going to get back at you by cheating as well. Of course, there are several dimensions to it. But typically, to make it really hurt, the “revenger” usually tries to hit harder than the perpetrator. It’s not uncommon to find revenge cheaters try it on with their partner’s close friends or even family members, knowing this would really press home the point.
Lets get a little technical now, shall we? So, according to psychologist Dr. Travers Mark, revenge cheating stems from a complex mix of emotions, motivations, and psychological factors:

The Desire for Retribution

Revenge cheating often arises from a deep-seated need for payback, fueled by feelings of hurt, and anger, and resentment. There are very few acts of betrayal worse than being cheated on, especially if the cheated party is caught off-guard. One minute, you’re in a seemingly healthy, happy relationship, and the next, the Bluetooth system in the car is reading out a WhatsApp message from your partner’s lover! When people feel so wronged or betrayed, it’s not unusual for them to want to to level the playing field by inflicting maximum pain on their partner. And how best to do this than a taste of their own medicine?

Ego and Self-Esteem

The truth of course is, cheating hits hardest at your ego and self esteem. Moreso even than the breaking of your trust bond. Cheating says “You’re not (good) enough”. If only you were prettier, sexier, taller, shorter, shapelier, richer, darker, more refined; it always hits at your feelings of inadequacy and at your fragile ego or self esteem. And so by engaging in infidelity, partners attempt to regain a sense of power, control, and desirability, and thus try to boost their deflated self-esteem.

Lack of Communication and Intimacy

“You’re never around these days”. “You’re always so busy, you don’t have my time anymore. I felt so lonely…, so I had sex with the neighbor”. Sounds a bit extreme, but many times, when emotional needs are not met, individuals may seek validation and intimacy elsewhere. And, no intimacy, is not always physical. Intimacy, in general, refers to the level of closeness between two people and can therefore be physical, emotional, intellectual and even spiritual.

Unresolved Trauma and Attachment Issues

Unaddressed trauma and attachment issues can also contribute to malevolent infidelity. Many people who feel abandoned are susceptible to revenge cheating. Except, revenge in this case is mostly unmerited. The actions of their partners are misconstrued, But because of their misinterpretation of situations, colored by beliefs formed from early childhood, they act out. So, people may engage in self-destructive behaviors like infidelity, as coping mechanisms for unresolved emotional pain. It’s not them, it’s you!

Breaking the Cycle

In most cases, if not all cases, revenge cheating is self-motivated. It has little or nothing to do with the erring partner. In the same way we are ultimately responsible for our happiness and wellbeing, so it is that we are responsible for our actions. Regardless of the triggers.
Revenge cheating can be very self-destructive and therefore difficult to justify. To avoid the destructive pattern of revenge cheating, we must address underlying emotional issues. Yes, he’s a pig, but you need not muddy yourself to get back at him. You both lose. Instead, seek reassurance from your nearest and dearest. People who know your worth and will validate you.
And on the off chance that you’re culpable in your partner’s cheating behavior, look inwards. Introspection after being cheated on is always a good thing. Bring yourself back to a good place. Be sure of your self worth and high value as a potential partner, and get back in the game. Life is too short to waste on an undeserving ex.

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