“You ought to be thankful for the little things
But little things are all you seem to give”

Miss Jackson if you’re nasty

That’s Janet Jackson speaking the minds of many women – What have you done for me lately? This phrase encapsulates a common belief that in matters of the heart, the past holds less weight than the present. It’s not so much about the grand gestures you made when you first met or the history you share; what truly matters is how you make her feel right now. And this is one major dichotomy in how men and women see emotional investments – for most guys, they put in the work early on and hope to reap the dividends for a long period after. This is why men can pick up friendships from where they left off, 25 years later without breaking pace. Women on the other hand, are a little different. They typically require affirmation far more frequently. For the logical man, this can be incredibly difficult to understand.

Her: “Do you (still) love me?”

Him: “If I don’t love you, I wouldn’t be here, would I?”

This simple scenario is played out repeatedly in many, if not all relationships. One party is in the here and now, the other factors in history. To be clear, neither party is wrong or right. Men and women simply view things differently. Men and women are simply different!

The Present over the past

Fundamentally however, all of us have our emotions inherently tied more to the present moment. It’s just some more than others. And  while memories of past kindness and shared experiences can foster a sense of connection, they don’t always sustain a relationship on their own. Women, like men, often prioritize how they feel in the current dynamics of their relationships. Are they feeling valued, appreciated, and loved today? Are their needs being met right now? These are the questions that often guide emotional responses and decisions.

Emotional availability matters

One of the key elements women often look for in relationships is emotional availability. This is not just about being there physically, but being present emotionally. A partner who is attentive, understanding, and responsive, here and now, can often make a woman feel secure and valued, regardless of past actions or intentions.

In contrast, if a guy is emotionally distant or inattentive, regardless of why, past gestures, no matter how grand, can quickly lose significance. It’s not that women don’t appreciate the good times or the effort that was put in earlier; it’s just that those things can’t replace the need for present-day emotional support and connection.

What have you done for me lately, honestly?

You have to keep at it. Both in words and in deed. You’re not allowed to be tired, read into that what you will. Your actions and behavior will be interpreted, reinterpreted, and even misinterpreted repeatedly. Unfortunately.  It’s not enough to have been a great partner at some point in the past if that particular behavior is not maintained. A woman will seek consistency in how  she is treated, with the understanding that relationships require ongoing effort. A partner who is consistently loving, considerate, and supportive in the present moment is far more likely to be valued than one who was great once but has since become complacent. No, you cannot average past and present behavior to get a pass mark. And staying with the mathematics metaphor, you want to add more weight to recent deeds than deeds done before. Seasoned campaigners learn this early. So grand gestures every so often, just to remain top of mind matter a great deal. They also give you breathing space. As soon as the “do you still love me?” type question start to creep up, throw in another gesture. Dinner, a gift ‘just because’. It works.

The takeaway

Guys, think of most of your “investments” in your partner as short term. 30 day treasury bills at best. At the end of the tenure, that’s it. It’s over. It’s off the books, no trace. You either rollover, or make new investments altogether. Note: grand is good. Very good in fact. But more might just be better. More and often. A good mix of both is best, so think about it.