In the late 1970s, a really smart psychologist, Bruce Alexander set up the  Rat Park experiment to challenge prevailing ideas about addiction. He did this by demonstrating what role our environment played in our well-being. The experiment went like this – when rats were isolated in cages with only drug-laced water, they consistently consumed it. However, when placed in a stimulating, social “Rat Park” with companions and engaging activities, they mostly ignored the drugs. Pretty simple experiment, but it highlighted what was needed for us to be happy in our relationships.

So what does this teach us about relationships and happiness? First, what does it say about addictive behavior? Well, on the face of it, it seems addictions may be our coping mechanisms against loneliness and despair? It’s the proverbial idle mind, Devil’s Workshop scenario really. It also suggests that meaningful connections and a supportive environment can make all the difference. We can deconstruct the findings from the experiment to make better sense of it all. If nothing else, we need to relate the findings to us as humans. Here we go:

Fostering Connections

Just as the rats thrived in social settings, humans flourish when they feel connected. Making time for deep, authentic interactions with partners – whether through meaningful conversations or shared experiences—strengthens emotional bonds. Living separate lives is a recipe for misery. As much as possible, try to do things together. Attend the same church, support the same premiership team, enjoy the same hobbies. And if not, at least take more than a passing interest in each other’s pursuits. Your partner should be your number one adviser where work is related, for instance.

Creating an Enriching Environment

Having diverse experiences together, same or similar hobbies, and joint goals can provide a shared sense of excitement and purpose, reducing the temptation to seek fulfillment elsewhere. So yes, join a club. Find a favourite bar and go there. Together. Start a sport, join the choir. The thinking that we’re all too busy to find extracurricular activities, is counterproductive. being busy, no matter how productive we are, does little to truly make us happy in relationships.

Providing Supportive Space

Yes, we all read the book – Men are From Mars and Women are From Venus. Well, we can assume many of us read the book. Any way, in it, the author says men need to escape into these “caves” from time to time. That’s when as a guy, you want to isolate. For a little while. And women don’t quite get this, and feel abandoned; unwanted even. But really, instead of isolating or pressuring your partner unduly, try fostering the same sense of freedom while staying emotionally available! Just communicate, and affirm your presence. This simple act can be transformative. Love should empower, not confine.

Focusing on the Good

Just as the enriched environment of the Rat Park naturally drew the rats away from harmful substances, a positive and nurturing relationship space can help partners thrive, bringing joy rather than dependence on external stimuli. And we all know these external stimuli well, don’t we? Alcohol, pornography, drugs, staying out late, Netflix even! Any space you find yourself getting into alone, while in a committed relationship, is potentially harmful, and is unlikely to make us happy in our relationships. Reframing negative behavior as “good” doesn’t work either. So staying home to watch Netflix on your tablet alone in the guest room, might be deemed as “not going out”, but there’s no real difference. You’re just as emotionally unreachable.

So, what have we learnt from the rats then? Well, it’s clear that the quality of our emotional and physical surroundings, as well as the strength of our connections, are foundational to our happiness. Transforming our “relationship environment” can profoundly impact how we experience love, and we don’t need to jump through hoops to get there.