For Her

If a stranger read your list of must-haves, would they learn anything about how it feels to be around you?

Most of us carry a list. A stable job. Goes to church, or doesn't. Wants children, or doesn't. Is close to their mother, but not too close. The list isn't silly. It's what you've learned so far about what you can't live with, written down as fast as you could.

But a list describes. You don't live with a description. You live with a person on an ordinary Tuesday, when the power is out and the day went badly and they have to decide how to speak to you.

Here is what the research can and can't tell you. A large analysis pooled 43 studies of couples and asked what best predicted how satisfied people were in their relationships. The strongest signals were about the relationship as each person experienced it: whether they felt their partner was committed, whether they felt appreciated, how much conflict there was. Traits of the person mattered too, but less. Those were people already in relationships, not people choosing one, so the study can't tell you who to pick. Our reading, and it is ours and not the study's, is that a list of traits tells you less than you'd hope, and how it feels to be with someone tells you more.

So put a second question beside your list. Not "What do I want them to be?" but "What do I want to feel with them?"

Respected when I disagree. Free to be quiet. Not managed. Not on trial. Free to say "I don't know yet." Those aren't traits. They're how you want to be spoken to and looked after, and how you'd want to do the same for them.

Try this. It takes ten minutes.

One. Write three values in your own words, not from a menu. If you write faith or family, say what it looks like in an ordinary week. Who do you call first? What does Sunday look like? For many of us, faith and family are central, and nothing here asks you to rank them down.

Two. Write one line you won't cross. One. Pick the one that would end it even if everything else were right. The others can be preferences, and preferences are allowed to be strong.

Three. Write one sentence for the day someone asks, "So, what are you looking for?" True, short, yours. Not the polished version.

Three values, one line and one sentence is a working idea from coaching practice. It isn't a finding. We use it because it gives you words, and words are what you'll want on the day you're tired and someone kind asks the question.

Next step: put the three things in your notes tonight. Read them again in a week. If a value has changed, good. That's you learning what you want, which is the point.