For Him

When did you last say something true on a first date, and watch the person across the table change?

Most of us prepare for a date the way we prepare for an interview. The job, the plans, a story or two, the opinions that make us look considered. It's a reasonable instinct. It's also a pitch, and people tend to answer a pitch the way they answer any pitch: politely.

What builds closeness between people who have just met looks more like taking turns than performing.

In a well-known experiment, pairs of strangers spent 45 minutes taking turns to answer questions that became gradually more personal. Afterwards they felt closer than pairs who had spent the same time on small talk (Aron and colleagues, 1997). Worth saying plainly: that was a short-lived closeness, in a lab, between strangers. It wasn't love, and nobody claimed it was.

A later review of many studies found that people who share more personal things tend to be liked more, and that people tend to share more with those they already like (Collins and Miller, 1994). It runs both ways, which is the useful part. It's a loop, and someone has to start it.

So the skill isn't charm. It's starting the loop with something true and small, and then handing it over.

Three habits.

Say the true thing, short. Two sentences, not a speech. "I took this job for the money and I've stayed for the people." Then stop talking.

Ask the next question, one at a time. Ask what you want to know, not what makes you look interested.

When you want something, say it once and plainly. "I'm looking for something real, and I'd rather say so than wait and see." The aim isn't to persuade anyone. It's to let them answer.

You may feel exposed. That feeling is common, and it isn't proof you said it wrong.

And remember the other half of the loop. If they answer with something real, answer that. Don't reach for your next line.

Next step: before your next date, write down one true sentence about yourself that you'd normally skip. Say it in the first half hour.